I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Two words: blizzard sex
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize