she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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