Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
