i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
