i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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