My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
