did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
