I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
