I just threw up on my dentist
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just high enough for therapy.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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