Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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