I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
