my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize