i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
