I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
