I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my phone needs a breathalizer
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
