There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Sext me about skeletons
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
