Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
