thus making me awesome and them whores
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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