Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
