I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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