My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
