One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
