the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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