In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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