I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
