i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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