I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
did you just send me my own nude
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
