the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
