she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
