All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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