I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
