Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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