Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
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