I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
