did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
