At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
