dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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