no you cant smoke seaweed
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
