How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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