I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Randomize
