He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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