The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
