Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
