I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Randomize
