You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
