one two three fourrrrnication!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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