Dude my mom stole all your condoms
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
