I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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