a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
