i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
