my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
