I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
