you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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