My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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