Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
