I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The best revenge is premature balding
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
